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　　标题：MixedSignals：WhyPeopleMisunderstandEachOther
　　source：theatlantic丨byEMILYESFAHANISMITH
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　　Thepsychologicalquirksthatmakeittrickytogetanaccuratereadonsomeonesemotions。
　　InhernewbookNoOneUnderstandsYouandWhatToDoAboutIt，HeidiGrantHalvorsontellsreadersastoryaboutherfriend，Tim。WhenTimstartedanewjobasamanager，oneofhistopprioritieswascommunicatingtohisteamthathevaluedeachmember’sinput。Soatteammeetings，aseachmemberspokeupaboutwhateverprojecttheywereworkingon，Timmadesureheputonhisactivelisteningfacetosignalthathecaredaboutwhateachpersonwassaying。
　　Butaftermeetingwithhimafewtimes，Tim’steamgotaverydifferentmessagefromtheoneheintendedtosend。Afterafewweeksofmeetings，Halvorsonexplains，oneteammemberfinallysummonedupthecouragetoaskhimthequestionthathadbeenoneveryone’smind。Thatquestionwas：Tim，areyouangrywithusrightnow？WhenTimexplainedthathewasn’tatallangrythathewasjustputtingonhisactivelisteningfacehiscolleaguegentlyexplainedthathisactivelisteningfacelookedalotlikehisangryface。
　　ToHalvorson，asocialpsychologistatColumbiaBusinessSchoolwhohasextensivelyresearchedhowpeopleperceiveoneanother，Tim’sstorycapturesoneoftheprimaryproblemsofbeingahumanbeing：Trythoughyoumighttocomeacrossinacertainwaytoothers，peopleoftenperceiveyouinanaltogetherdifferentway。
　　Onepersonmaythink，forexample，thatbyofferinghelptoacolleague，sheiscomingacrossasgenerous。Buthercolleaguemayinterpretherofferasalackoffaithinhisabilities。Justashemisunderstandsher，shemisunderstandshim：Sheofferedhimhelpbecauseshethoughthewasoverworkedandstressed。Hehas，afterall，beenshowingupearlytoworkandgoinghomelateeveryday。Butthat’snotwhyhe’hejustworksbestwhentheofficeislesscrowded。
　　Hiscolleaguegentlyexplainedthathisactivelisteningfacelookedalotlikehisangryface。
　　Thesekindsofmisunderstandingsleadtoconflictandresentmentnotjustatwork，butathometoo。Howmanyfightsbetweencoupleshavestartedwithonepersonmisinterpretingwhatanothersaysanddoes？Hestaresathisplateatdinnerwhileshe’stellingastoryandsheassumeshedoesn’tcareaboutwhatshe’ssaying，whenreallyheisadmiringthebeautifulmealshemade。Shegoestobedearlyratherthanwatchingtheirfavoritetelevisionshowtogetherliketheyusuallydo，andheassumesshe’snotinterestedinspendingtimewithhim，whenreallyshe’sjustexhaustedafteratoughdayatwork。
　　Mostofthetime，Halvorsonsays，peopledon’trealizetheyarenotcomingacrossthewaytheythinktheyare。IfIaskyou，Halvorsontoldme，abouthowyouseeyourselfwhattraitsyouwouldsaydescribeyouandIasksomeonewhoknowsyouwelltolistyourtraits，thecorrelationbetweenwhatyousayandwhatyourfriendsayswillbesomewherebetween0。2and0。5。There’sabiggapbetweenhowotherpeopleseeusandhowweseeourselves。
　　Thisgaparises，asHalvorsonexplainsinherbook，fromsomequirksofhumanpsychology。First，mostpeoplesufferfromwhatpsychologistscallthetransparencyillusionthebeliefthatwhattheyfeel，desire，andintendiscrystalcleartoothers，eventhoughtheyhavedoneverylittletocommunicateclearlywhatisgoingoninsidetheirminds。
　　Becausetheperceivedassumetheyaretransparent，theymightnotspendthetimeorefforttobeasclearandforthcomingabouttheirintentionsoremotionalstatesastheycouldbe，givingtheperceiververylittleinformationwithwhichtomakeanaccuratejudgment。
　　Chancesare，Halvorsonwrites，howyoulookwhenyouareslightlyfrustratedisn’tallthatdifferentfromhowyoulookwhenyouarealittleconcerned，confused，disappointed，ornervous。Your‘I’mkindofhurtbywhatyoujustsaid’faceprobablylooksanawfullotlikeyour‘I’mnotatallhurtbywhatyoujustsaid’face。Andthemajorityoftimesthatyou’vesaidtoyourself，‘Imademyintentionsclear，’or‘HeknowswhatImeant，’youdidn’tandhedoesn’t。
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　　Theperceiver，meanwhile，isdealingwithtwopowerfulpsychologicalforcesthatarewarpinghisabilitytoreadothersaccurately。First，accordingtoalargebodyofpsychologicalresearch，individualsarewhatpsychologistscallcognitivemisers。Thatis，peoplearelazythinkers。
　　AccordingtotheworkoftheNobelPrizewinnerDanielKahneman，therearetwowaysthatthemindprocessesinformation，includinginformationaboutothers：throughcognitiveprocessesthatKahnemancallsSystem1andSystem2。Thesesystems，whichKahnemandescribesinhisbookThinkingFastandSlow，serveasmetaphorsfortwodifferentkindsofreasoning。System1processesinformationquickly，intuitively，andautomatically。System1isatwork，asHalvorsonnotesinherbook，whenindividualsengageineffortlessthinking，likewhentheydosimplemathproblemslike336，orwhentheydriveonfamiliarroadsastheytalktoafriendinthecar，orwhentheyseesomeonesmileandimmediatelyknowthatthatpersonishappy。
　　Whenitcomestosocialperception，System1usesshortcuts，orheuristics，tocometoconclusionsaboutanotherperson。Therearemanyshortcutsthemindreliesonwhenitreadsothersfacialexpressions，bodylanguage，andintentions，andoneofthemostpowerfulonesiscalledtheprimacyeffectanditexplainswhyfirstimpressionsaresoimportant。Accordingtotheprimacyeffect，theinformationthatonepersonlearnsaboutanotherinhisearlyencounterswiththatpersonpowerfullydetermineshowhewillseethatpersoneverafter。
　　Forexample，referringtoresearchconductedabouttheprimacyeffect，Halvorsonpointsoutthatchildrenwhoperformbetteronthefirsthalfofamathtestandworseonthesecondhalfmightbejudgedtobesmarterthanthosewhoperformlesswellonthefirstpartofthetest，butbetteronthesecondpart。Thetwostudentswouldhaveperformedobjectivelythesame，butonewouldbenefitfromthewaytheprimacyeffectbiasesthemind。Theimplicationsoffindingsliketheseforlatebloomers，Halvorsonwrites，oranyonewhostrugglesinitiallyonlytoexcellater，areterrifying。
　　Peopleperceiveothersintwodistinctstagesafastbutflawedstage，andareflectiveanddeliberativestage。
　　IncomparisontothebiasedandfaultySystem1styleofthinking，System2processesinformationinaconscious，rational，anddeliberativemanner。System2isatwork，forexample，whenanindividualdoesmorecomplicatedmathproblems，likealgebra，whenheisdrivingonforeignroads，orwhenheistryingtofigureoutwhathissupervisormeantwhensheleftacrypticnoteonhisdesksayingcallmeimmediately。UnlikeSystem1，wherethinkingisautomaticandeffortless，System2thinkingiseffortful。
　　TheimportantpointaboutSystem2isthatitcancorrectSystem1byevaluating，forinstance，whetherthefirstimpressionrecordedbySystem1thatJohnnyisbadatmathshouldcontinuetodeterminehowtheperceiverseesJohnny。IfthereisoverridingevidencesayingthatthefirstimpressionneedstobeupdatedJohnnyisscoringconsistentlywellonhisothermathteststhentheperceivercanengageinSystem2thinkingtoupdatehisimpressionofJohnny。
　　ButSystem2demandsalotofeffortandmentalenergy。AccordingtoHalvorson，peoplehavetobereallymotivatedtoengageinSystem2thinking。Forexample，theteachermightonlyfeeltheneedtoreevaluateJohnny’sperformanceafterJohnnyorhisparentscomplainthathe’snotbeinggradedfairlyorifJohnnyhassuddenlyandunexpectedlyemergedasthestaroftheclass。Halvorsonpointsoutthatbecausemostpeoplearecognitivemisers，contenttotradeoffspeedforaccuracyinthinkingaboutothers，perceptionusuallyendswithSystem1。
　　Thesetwosystemsofreasoningleadindividualstoperceiveothersintwodistinctstagesafastbutflawedstage，andareflectiveanddeliberativestage。OnestudybythepsychologistDanGilbertofHarvardUniversityandhiscolleaguesshedslightonhowperceptionoccursintwophases。Participantscameintoalabandwatchedsevenvideoclipsofawomanspeakingtoastranger。Infiveoftheclips，thewomanappearedtobestressedoutandanxious。Thoughthevideowassilent，thereweresubtitlesindicatingthetopicsthatthewomanandthestrangerweretalkingabout。
　　Regardlessofwhatsituationshewasin，theyconcludedthatshewasindeedananxiousperson。
　　Gilbertandhiscolleagueswantedtoseewhattheresearchsubjectsthoughtofthiswoman’spersonality。Inonecondition，participantsweretoldthatthewomanandstrangerweretalkingaboutneutraltopicsforallsevenclips，likerestaurantsandbooks。Intheothercondition，participantsweretoldthatinthefiveclipsinwhichthewomanappearedanxious，shewastalkingtothestrangerabouttouchysubjects，likesexualfantasies，personalsecrets，andlifefailures。Gilbertalsoaskedsomeoftheparticipantstomemorizethediscussiontopicsthatappearedinthesubtitles。Thepointofthattaskwastokeepthoseparticipantsmentallybusysothattheycouldnotenterthesecondphaseofperception，whichcorrespondswithKahneman’sSystem2。
　　Attheendoftheexperiment，theparticipantswereaskedwhetherornotthiswomanwasananxiousperson。Whentheparticipantswerenotdistractedbythememorizationtask，theyratedherinanexpectedway：Theythoughtshewasanxiouswhenshewasdiscussingneutraltopicsandactingstressedout，andtheyratedherasnotanxiouswhenshewasdiscussingstressfultopicsandactingstressedout。Theseresearchsubjectswereabletoenterthesecondphaseofperceptionbytakingthewoman’ssituationintoaccount。Anyoneaskedabouthersexualfantasieswouldlikelyfeeluncomfor。Butthosewhowerekeptmentallybusycametoaverydifferentconclusionaboutthiswoman’spersonality。Regardlessofwhatsituationshewasin，theyconcludedthatshewasindeedananxiousperson。Forthesepeople，actinganxiousequaledbeinganxious。
　　Perceptionisalsocloudedbytheperceiver’sownexperiences，emotions，andbiases，whichalsocontributestomisunderstandingsbetweenpeople。AsHalvorsonputsit，everyonehasanagendawhentheyinteractwithanotherperson。Thatagendaisusuallytryingtodetermineoneofthreepiecesofinformationabouttheperceived：Isthispersontrustworthy？Isthispersonusefultome？Anddoesthispersonthreatenmyselfesteem？
　　Howaperceiveranswersthosequestionswilldeterminewhethershejudgestheotherpersoninapositiveornegativeway。Takeselfesteem。Researchershavelongfoundthatindividualsneedtomaintainapositivesenseofthemselvestofunctionwell。Whensomeone’ssenseofherselfisthreatened，likewhensheinteractswithsomeonewhoshethinksisbetterthanheratajobtheybothshare，shejudgesthatpersonmoreharshly。Onestudyfound，forexample，thatattractivejobapplicantswerejudgedaslessqualifiedbymembersofthesamesexthanbymembersoftheoppositesex。Theraterswhoweremembersofthesamesex，theresearchersfound，feltathreattotheirselfesteembytheattractivejobapplicantswhilethemembersoftheoppositesexfeltnothreattotheirselfesteem。
　　Canyouimaginehowexhaustingitwouldbetoweigheverypossiblemotivationofanotherperson？
　　Giventhemanyobstaclestoaccurateperception，whatdopeoplehavetodotocomeacrosstheywaytheyintendto？
　　Onestudyhintsatananswer。Inthestudy，publishedin1998inPersonalityandSocialPsychologyBulletin，researchsubjectscameintothelabtoconductamocknegotiationwithoneotherperson。Eachpartychoseaspecificgoalforthenegotiation，likegainthelikingoftheotherpersonorholdfirmtomyownpersonalopinions，whichtheywentintothenegotiationtryingtoachieve，butweren’tnecessarilytryingtorevealtotheotherperson。Afterthenegotiation，eachpartywasaskedwhattheotherperson’sgoalwas，whichwasanindicationofhowtransparenttheotherpersonwas。Inthestudy，researchsubjectsonlyguessedthegoaloftheirpartnercorrectly26percentofthetime。Meanwhile，morethanhalfofthemthoughtthattheywereclearlyrelayingtheirgoalsandintentionstotheotherperson。Thelessonofthisstudyisthatpeoplemaythinkthattheyarebeingclear，butthey’renot。
　　Ifyouwanttosolvetheproblemofperception，Halversonsays，it’smuchmorepracticalforyoutodecidetobeagoodsenderofsignalsthantohopethattheperceiverisgoingtogointophasetwoofperception。It’snotrealistictoexpectpeopletogotothateffort。Canyouimaginehowexhaustingitwouldbetoweigheverypossiblemotivationofanotherperson？Plus，youcan’tcontrolwhat’sgoingoninsideofanotherperson’smind，butyoucancontrolhowyoucomeacross。
　　Peoplewhoareeasytojudgepeoplewhosendclearsignalstoothers，asHalvorsonsuggestspeopledoare，researchershavefound，ultimatelyhappierandmoresatisfiedwiththeirrelationships，careers，andlivesthanthosewhoaremoredifficulttoread。It’seasytounderstandwhy：Feelingunderstoodisabasichumanneed。Whenpeoplesatisfythatneed，theyfeelmoreatpeacewiththemselvesandwiththepeoplearoundthem，whoseethemclosertohowtheyseethemselves。